Stay Tuned/Lots Of Tiny Fragments

Oh, good heavens, is it the twenty-fourth already? I'm not ready for June. I wasn't done with May yet.

Things you haven't done have a way of stacking up on you. Ogden Nash wrote a poem once about how it was better to sin sins of commission rather than of omission, because at least that way you got to actually do something sinful.

Although I haven't worked with items from the Sunday circulars nearly as much as I did in the Sunday Papers incarnation, I do continue to go through the accumulated circulars at periodic intervals. I clip the items which strike me as weird or clever or particularly horrid or whatever. Then the clippings sit around until they accumulate.

You can probably guess what's going to happen next, so let's just skip the rest of the intro and go directly to the files, shall we?

I did the anti-antibacterial rant already, so I can't tell you how dismayed I am to see even more products with antibacterials in them - and I won't. The actual reason I clipped the ad for Lemon Fresh Pine-Sol with antibacterial, in the convenient spray bottle, is that it has a lemon-scented scratch 'n' sniff panel ... which is pure gimmick, since we all know what lemon smells like, right?

But then, when your product smells like something familiar, I guess it's a problem distinguishing it from all the other companies' products which have exactly the same scent. An older ad in my file, for Lemon Fresh Clorox, has the caption "Smells More Like Lemons!" ... which pretty much reduces this idea to its absurdum. (More like lemons than what?)

Clorox has two other scented bleaches, by the by - "Floral Fresh" and "Rain Clean." In the latter case, a scratch 'n' sniff panel would probably have been justified. I mean, we know what lemons smell like, and we know what artificial-flower-scent smells like (think Glade air fresheners), but what does "Rain Clean" smell like?

Fortunately we have an ad for Rain Clean Pine-Sol which does have a scratch 'n' sniff panel. It smelled like Irish Spring soap to me. "Detergent" was the opinion of one of the hapless Stay Tuned staffers.

Lest this correspondence of Lemon Freshness and Rain Cleanness seem a bit too curious for coincidence, let me clarify. Pine-Sol is a Clorox brand. (This seems to imply that a Floral Fresh Pine-Sol is due any minute now.)

The scented Pine-Sols don't seem as strange to me as the scented bleach. Bleach is sodium hypochlorite, no matter who makes it, and there is no discernable difference betweeen manufacturers in purity or composition, so presumably most consumers shop for price when buying it. (Or am I giving the consumer too much credit?) Anyway, this seems like a fairly blatant attempt by Clorox to protect and distinguish their brand.

They may have cause to worry: Clorox was used as a generic for "bleach" where I come from - it was not uncommon to buy the store's house-label bleach and refer to it as "Clorox." That sort of thing gives brand-name manufacturers fidgets.

But enough about cleaning products.

While I'm thinking about pointless ways of distinguishing one's product, though, I might note an ad for Heinz white vinegar which explains how to use it for cleaning your drip coffeemaker.

Now, first off, this is not new information. Every manual for every drip coffeemaker I've owned - and I've owned quite a few - notes that you should do this every so often. (Sometimes they try to sell you a special "coffee maker cleaner," which strikes me as fairly useless, but they generally suggest the vinegar option as well.

Second ... I'll accept that there are differences between white (distilled) vinegars, unlike bleaches ... but since you can clean your coffee maker with any rotgut distilled vinegar around, why pay for Heinz?

Never mind; I obviously think too much.

Here are a bunch of one-liners, items which jumped out at me from the copy of a particular ad. The format is a homage to Need To Know's Memepool section:

Brawny billing their paper towel as having "thirst pockets," a silly concept when examined too closely .... Brisling sardines using the tag line "Norwegian Nachos" .... Thompson's Pasta Plus dog food has the "Pasta Advantage," which I suppose means the filler is semolina instead of wheat; so what? .... Not too many products can get away with claiming "clumps harder and faster" in ads without giggles, but we're so used to scoopable cat litter by now that its essential silliness no longer hits us (the one in question is Arm & Hammer's) .... J.J. Nissen has "Canadian White" and "Canadian Brown" bread, but what makes them Canadian? They're not made there .... Clorox Automatic Toilet Bowl Cleaner "now kills 99.9% of germs" - which one doesn't it kill?

Crossovers ... sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. I ranted nearly a year back about the odd, poorly conceived match between DEP hairgoo and Mothers Against Drunk Driving. They have apparently now caught AMC Theatres in their web as well. The latest madness is the "It's Cool To Be In Control" video contest: "Create a video on why it's not cool for kids to drink and it's never cool to drink and drive" and you could "Win $10,000 and an Annual Pass For Two to AMC Theatres."

As I said the first time: I applaud MADD's efforts, but this odd combination of preachiness, good intentions, and commercial appeal is a misfire as both an ad and a public service campaign. The DEP coupon in the ad, completely unrelated to the contest, adds that extra grace note of bizarre.

Well, not completely unrelated. DEP products are offered as one of the contest's consolation prizes.

Slightly less weird is a Nestlé ad which links to www.react.com "to see how your favorite roller coaster rates," especially in the context of a general summertime fun/amusement park theme. Still, something jars.

On the other hand, I had no problem whatsoever with an ad/coupon offering free Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup with the purchase of two Vicks products. You got a cold, you need cough syrup and chicken soup, right?

And this one, while so contrived it's laughable, is also so clever that you can't help but admire whoever thought it up: a discount when you buy both The English Patient on videotape and some Moisture Eyes eye drops from Bausch & Lomb.

Can't guess the connection? It's all in the tag line: "There won't be a dry eye in your house."

[drum fill]

Sometimes I have items I don't know how to classify, since they bother me on some deep level within. With those, I have to decide if I'm just being overly cranky, or if the ad really is that appalling. Here's one which has been sitting in the files for a long time, awaiting judgement. You decide:

You Deserve your MicroMagic
Golden Classic Moment

[Woman speaking - looks like Price Is Right model - while eating microwaved french fry with look of sheer joy:]

"Even my craziest day is bearable with New MicroMagic Golden Classic Low Fat French Fries! They're the crispy, golden fries I love - without the fat. And I can have them anytime I want!"

Is it just me?

I have to be careful about the political correctness muscles. After years of accusing other people of being a little too thin-skinned, if I jump on Del Monte just because they have an ad with a mother holding her little girl, with the kid thinking, "Daddy's gonna love the dinner we're making," I'm gonna get myself in trouble.

I'll just tell myself that Daddy made dinner for the family last night, and not get involved.

I do notice that some companies are attempting to be a little more careful about the cliches. For example, I have a Toys 'R' Us ad where one of the kids photographed playing with the toys is in a wheelchair ... I think it's the first and only time I've ever seen such a thing, but it's a start.

Then there are cases where the motivations are rather more suspect, as in recent Denny's ads, which have been running fine print that says "Denny's is committed to providing the best possible service to all customers regardless of race, creed, color, or national origin."

And that little lawsuit was no inducement at all. No indeed.

Lest you think that I come only to bury and not to praise, here are a few more items from my "good" pile. It exists, it's just a lot smaller than the "bad" pile. In fact, this will all but empty it.

Tag line for Pond's body lotion: "Make your face jealous."

From an ad for Listerine's new line of toothpaste, with a dollar-off coupon: "There are more foul germs on your teeth than on the dollar you're about to save."

The whole campaign for Stove Top stuffing of late has been clever, especially an offer where you serve Stove Top to your family and see if they notice anything. You check a Yes or No box on the mail-in form and supply proof of purchase. If they noticed, you get $1.05 of coupons for more. If they didn't notice, you get your purchase price back.

The beauty of this is, no matter which you check, they got you to try the product.

Sometimes a campaign is good but is then extended to the point where it becomes monotonous or meaningless or stupid. Reese's had a good thing going with the "There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup" campaign, with clever pictures and ideas (a vampire sucks the peanut butter out of the middle, et cetera). But applying the same campaign to their brand of peanut butter loses the joke completely.

Well. Despite all this housecleaning, there's still plenty left in the files, but I think that's enough for now. Have to keep some in reserve for dry spells.

I leave you with this piece of blatant consumerism, offered as a "Clip Tip" running down the margin of a Sunday circular:

Use coupons to treat your family to candy and "goodies" you wouldn't buy every day.

Because, doggone it, we said it was okay.

It being the twenty-fifth of May, barely, as I write this, you have only five more days to enter the Pillsbury 1998 Doughboy Giggle-Off Contest! No, seriously. You have little to lose and the possibility of $50,000 to gain.

You just call up their toll-free number before 30 May 1998, give them your name, a daytime phone number, and your age, and then giggle your best giggle into the telephone. After the end of May, the judges will select their favorite fifty gigglers to record another round; the top ten gigglers from that go to Hollywood for the Giggle-Off on 16 September. Honest.

The judges say they're looking for "the funniest, freshest, most original and contagious giggle. Giggles should be original and not imitations of the Doughboy." The rules bar professional voice talents (actors, DJs, etc) from entering, but I don't see an upper age limit anywhere in here. Or a lower one, for that matter.

I'm not a giggler by nature, but the rest of you should give it a go. Just call 1-800-934-4445. That's 1-800-WE-GIGGLE.

One entry per household only, so if you have two gigglers, you'll have to flip a coin, and those outside the US or Pillsbury-affiliated are barred.

If the Nestlé line seems cryptic, it's because as of February 2007 react.com is not, um, reacting, and I am damned if I can remember what the nature of the React product itself was.

I have no idea who won the Giggle-Off, but just contemplating the idea again makes me giggle.

and now back to our program

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