Stay Tuned/Good Ad Bad Ad

While I am not a cartoon junkie, there are a few animated shows I'll watch whenever I can - such as the "Men In Black" cartoon and "Batman Beyond," both of which have some of the most underrated scriptwriting on television today - and I used to watch "Animaniacs" before I burned out on it, because I thought it was funny. Mostly.

"Animaniacs," like all sketch comedy, is hit or miss. One of the segments which is most likely to be a miss - at least for me - is a recurring bit called "Good Idea, Bad Idea." (You can probably work out a few sets of examples for yourself; I won't give any.)

Once in a while I am tempted to do a segment where I point out some good ads and bad ads. I generally resist. The problem is that the ads I think are good already get lots of recognition and air time - and going for bad ads, especially when looking through newspaper circulars, is too easy a proposition.

However, the files are filling and I'm swimming in paper here at the Stay Tuned offices, so I'm going to give in and hand you a few selections anyway. This column's a bit more random than usual, but I respectfully submit that it's better than nothing.

You are, of course, free to disagree.

Television ads are better, on the average, than magazine or newspaper ads. My theory says it's all about money. Television costs a lot more, so most clients figure it might be better to invest in a little cuteness and talent - i.e. get an agency, or hire someone with a genuine sense of what works.

Here are a few which caused me to run to the back room and jot down notes because I liked them:

- A woman with a lot of noisy kids squalling in the back of her van comes up to the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru and orders four Chocolate Coolatas. The clerk hands them to her, unable to see in the back of the van. She pulls around the corner, parks, turns off the tape of noisy-kid sounds - the van's empty - and begins to slurp the first of her drinks with gusto.

- The ad that shows cheese blocks being used as bait - to catch humans. ("Behold the power of cheese.") Disturbing, but effective because of that.

- The ad for cat litter - I think it's Fresh Step but don't quote me on that - where the cat keeps closing the garage door and not letting his owner in because he's annoyed she bought the wrong litter. Eventually she slides it under the door ("Okay! I messed up! Here's the good stuff!") The finishing touch on this one is the woman, who sounds appropriately like Victoria Jackson.

- The Mercedes ad which shows them putting the company execs through the same crash and torture tests they use on the cars. This one is just hilarious.

Of course, sometimes I jot TV ads down because I don't like them. Sometimes they frighten me. The Barbie Super Sports CD-ROM, where your virtual Barbie-avatar competes in sports events and thereby wins the ability to buy virtual sporting goods ("Spinning like a top/Making points so you can shop") is wrong on so many levels I can't begin to ponder it. But that's a complaint about the product, not the ad.

Similarly, there's nothing wrong with the Arbor Mist ad that's got the flabby men doing synchronized swimming routines in the backyard pool - only the product is wrong. Peach chardonnay? Strawberry white zinfandel? I hate to be a snob, but didn't we outgrow Boone's Farm long ago?

Most of the badly constructed ads I see on television don't get written down, because I forget them almost as soon as I see them. Which, in a way, is the worst thing you can say about an ad.

Meanwhile, in the newspaper and magazine world, the good ads defy pattern. You'd think the bigger companies, with more money to burn, would be more likely to get it right - but this is not always the case. Edy's, an ice cream label which is owned by one of the Big Names, has horrid print ads right now for its new Dreamery line, with a main caption sans hook ("Discover a delicious new world of your own") and a recurring tagline that's only catchy while in context ("This could be a problem"). Maybe they shot the budget on the containers - which, to be fair, are fantastic-looking.

Meanwhile, tiny Jeremy's Microbatch has the ability to use its size as judo. Since they are in limited distribution and still somewhat hard to find, they have every right to use the tried-but-true line, "The best ice cream you've never tasted."

The Reynolds Wrap ladies are one of the worst ad campaigns ever - and their recent forays into TV have lowered the bar - I run screaming from the room at a Reynolds ad, especially when they drag out the colored plastic wraps. Charmin tissue (Procter & Gamble) is bringing Mr. Whipple out of retirement - why, god in heaven, why? These companies have money to burn, but no ideas.

But little tiny Gardenburger, at a time when I'd have been surprised if it were making payroll regularly, turned out some of the most novel and entertaining print ads I'd seen. I mentioned this back in August 1997 and didn't provide a quote then; here's one now.

Marsha is frowning.
She eats too much chicken.
Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!
It is beginning to taste
Yucky!
Marsha tries to eat a fish,
but all she tastes is chicken!
Marsha sees an oxymoron at the grocery store.
Garden? Burger??
Marsha is adventurous.
Look at Marsha smile.
Perhaps she'll meet an orthodontist.

It is perhaps important to note that Marsha has a gap between her front teeth.

Perhaps this odd lack-of-pattern is because print ads have a lower buy-in. In other words, because a newspaper circular is relatively cheap, maybe people are more willing to take risks with the medium - but it also means that more people are willing to let Ernie, the boss's nephew, write the copy one drunken night.

Certainly the people at Advanced Researched Laboratories show every sign of having been a few sheets to the wind. First off, the name of their product is Thicker Fuller Hair. If you think that's a description and not a name, you win a prize. Furthermore, the tag line in the ad I have here, big as life, is "You can never be too rich or too thick."

Um? Gents? Maybe you shoulda rethunk that one the next morning.

Like TV ads, a lot of bad print ads are simply tedious and forgettable. But once in a while you see a goof like the one above that puts it right in the realm of Bad And Memorable. Bad And Memorable is better than Bad And Forgettable, but not by much.

It doesn't have to involve copy. When I see an ad for Tidy Cats Scoop (Ralston-Purina) which has three cats sitting in and around a litter box, talking about the product, I don't even have to read what the cats are saying to know I have one for the files.

When I see an ad for one of these pressed-sawdust "logs" where the copy says "Crackles Like a Real Fire," that, too, is an instant winner. I said it ages ago: I consider it a bad sign when you need to assure your customers that the product really does behave like the substance it's supposed to be. But is it the copy's fault, or the product's?

And some ads try to be so over-the-top that the ad obscures the product - a cardinal sin. When I see an ad with a cow painted red and the big words "Win a Cow!" superimposed over it, how am I expected to remember what's actually being advertised? All I'm going to see is that cow. (Especially if tying the product to the concept is a real stretch - as it is in this case, for a calcium-fortified cranberry juice.)

Sometimes a good ad takes a while to grow on you. I thought that the Tabasco campaign involving the exploding mosquito was beneath them at first - not a misstep exactly, but not the effortless style I've come to expect from this little company that walks among giants. But gradually I realized they were inventing themselves for a new generation, and doing a good job of losing some stodginess. Besides, how can you resist a mosquito-themed contest ("Bite. Scratch. Win") where one of the prizes is a citronella candle?

Other good ads hit you immediately. Here's all you need to know about this V-8 ad to love it:

Remember all those vegetables
you slipped under the table?

Maybe that's why Sparky lived so long.

And, finally, my favorite print ad of the last three years has no words at all. It's for Diamond Crystal salt (Cargill).

[March 2007:] Although Edy's is still around, the Dreamery line was discontinued. The containers really were gorgeous. (The Big Name which owns them, by the by, is Nestlé.) Jeremy's Microbatch is also apparently no more; I don't know whether their being sued by some investors just as they were preparing to go public had anything to do with it, or if they were just another victim of what is apparently a ruthless market segment. (If the market segment is so competitive, how come the only brand of that type/package I ever see anymore is Ben and Jerry's?)

Reynolds Wrap is owned by Alcoa now, and I'm wondering if that has contributed to the fact that I don't recall having seen the Scary Reynolds Wrap Ladies for a while.

This marks the point of another hiatus in Stay Tuned. When it next returned, it would be in a rather different format.

and now back to our program

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