Stay Tuned/9 March 1997

The bottom line of copy (that you can't read in this tiny image) says, "Now More Cheese Taste!" The product: fat-free cheese. No offense to the people who rely on these products, but I consider it a bad sign when you need to assure your customers that the product really does taste like the substance it's supposed to be.

I don't have much use for these ersatz products. Seems to me like it would be better to eat less of the good stuff than to eat any of the plastic stuff. And that's what every fat-free cheese I've ever tried tastes like: plastic.

Give Our Cheese Sauce a Squeeze / When You're Hot for Cheese!

An unfortunate slogan. It's unfortunate because it's asinine yet will remain stuck in your head, surfacing at inopportune moments. That's what advertisers dream of - being imbedded permanently in your brain.

This is not for a bottled cheese sauce, by the by. It's for a new boxed macaroni-and-cheese mix where, instead of a metallic envelope of improbable orange powder, you get a metallic envelope of improbable orange goo.

It strikes me as somewhat unappetizing to pour an envelope full of Velveeta - conditioned with enough vegetable oil to remain liquid - over your pasta. But I like boxed m-&-c in its original format, so my judgement is suspect.

What you'll find most refreshing
is simply
what you won't
find.
Imported from England. New [Simple logo]

[Typography reproduced as intact as possible.] Cosmetic ads are frequently allowed to be more cryptic than the rest of the advertising world, but sometimes they go a little too far. I'm all in favor of products without lots of dyes or perfumes, but it took me a long time to realize that's what this copy meant. There is no other text in the ad.

Found a full-page Kellogg's ad today which offers you either a dollar off two boxes of Special K, or a dollar off two boxes of Froot Loops. (No word on whether you can mix 'n' match.)

This illustrates the Great Cereal Dichotomy: a cereal is either this sticky sweet stuff aimed at the kidlets, or it's ultra-healthy stuff which contains so much fiber you'll give the phrase "s**t a brick" new meaning. (Sorry about that.) There is no middle ground.

The cereal makers really think the cholesterol panic is an amazing thing. They happily bill even their stickiest cereals as cholesterol-free, exploiting the general ignorance that only animal products have cholesterol, and as low- or no-fat. (The words "Low Fat" were used in both halves of the ad.)

But with cereal, the enemy is sugar, not fat. Even the box of Cheerios (considered one of the less oversweetened kid's cereals) on my refrigerator lists sugar as the fourth ingredient, after the grains themseves. In fact, Cheerios consist of grain, sugar, salt, and added vitamins and preservatives, in that order.

(Speaking as someone whose usual "nutritious breakfast" is a cup of coffee consumed while on the subway, though, please do not feel I'm claiming the moral high ground here.)

Here's another fine item from the cereal industry. Look closely. "Cookies" is in quotes. (The cut-off portions of the ad continue this usage.) We want the kids to think they're getting away with cookies for breakfast, but we can't quite get away with saying that legally.

Maybe they'd do better to consume actual cookies. As a frequent eater of store-bought chocolate-chip cookies, one of these days I'm going to see which has more sugar, ounce for ounce. Problem is, in order to do that comparison I will actually have to be seen purchasing a box of this cereal. Maybe I can bring a pad and paper to the store.

As long as I seem to be obssessed with fat and sugar today (don't ask me why), let's cut to the "If It's Good With Fat, It's Better With More Fat" exhibit. This one comes in two parts.

I can't decide whether the Hershey people are really hurting for new business, or whether their marketing department has been taken over by aliens. Last week it was the Crayola crossover ad; this week: Hershey Jellybeans. Just in time for Easter!

Question: with all jellybeans basically the same, and with generic jellybeans a freely available commodity, is anyone going to pay extra for jellybeans with the Hershey name on them?

And now for our Fine Print section.

This came from one of those sleazy diet drug ads. I wouldn't usually pick on these - they're too easy a target - but the last sentence is so good. The whole ad is full of testimonials from real humans, complete with ugly before-and-after photos, with captions like "I went from 310 pounds to 45 pounds in three days!" (OK, I exaggerate slightly.) Then, down at the bottom: "Results atypical." You gotta love it.

Our next exhibit is from a soap ad. Is anyone going to do all this just to get back a couple of bucks on some soap they didn't like? Of course not, which is precisely the point.

Probably the ultimate example of fine print is the block of copy that comes with contest promotions, and the McDonald's yearly extravaganza is typically a masterpiece of this ilk. But in order to do this block of text justice, I'll need a separate document.

This column's notable for having the first of a long, long line of cereal items. Cereals, to me, are like a microcosm of everything excessive about advertising. I am gradually collecting enough cereal material to fill a book. Who knows? Maybe one day ....

Later on, I note a quotation from the book The Total Package which basically states that breakfast cereals are nothing but merchandising - in some ways the merchandising is the product. There aren't very many other products like that, which may be why cereal-selling is such an interesting study.

(And don't write me telling me to read The Road To Wellville, for heaven's sake. I already have.)

and now back to our program

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