Eccentric Flower:201103/No Right
From Eccentric Flower
No Right
This is not the best time to write an entry, but on the other hand, and due to exactly the same circumstances, it's also an extremely urgent time to write one.
Let me explain.
At 1:20 this afternoon I have a doctor's appointment. It is not for any specific cause - it's simply what used to be called a "checkup" and is now apparently called an "annual exam," just as general practitioners are now called "family medicine" when they're not being called "primary care physicians," and thus we all drown slowly in jargon, but let's leave that rant for another day.
It is now 10:10. It will, ideally, be closer to 11:00 by the time I finish this, and another few minutes of this morning will have safely been distracted away by the composition of this entry. It is truly foul luck that the doctor's appointment would fall on a day when there is absolutely nothing doing at work. Because it means I can't use work as a distraction. And if I don't keep myself distracted, I will chew off my own arm.
Strangely, for all my griping and pissing and moaning, I do not experience much physical anxiety. I gripe, but it doesn't show itself in terms of an upset stomach or an elevated heart rate or cold sweats or anything like that. But there are a few things in life which are guaranteed to always throw me straight into anxiety-attack land, and one of those is an appointment with a doctor or a dentist or any other kind of medical practitioner.
I can't eat until after the appointment, because I'd be ill, which means by the time the appointment comes, I'll be starving and will be even worse mentally for not having eaten. It's probably a good thing I don't have any work to do today because I'm not sure I'd be able to focus on it.
It's a really lousy time to write about yet another potentially offensive subject, but since it's the subject on my mind right now, to write about anything else would not serve the venting/distracting purpose it needs to serve. So once more into the breach.
The problem I have with doctors (and dentists and psychiatrists and so on) is that, to my mind, they exist to make sure you have less fun. They exist to tell you what you are doing wrong, to try to nag you into making changes which may improve your health in marginal ways but will reduce the pleasure you get from life in drastic ones.
Now, before you get nasty: The paragraph above contains at least 50% rhetoric. It is deliberately overstated with a high degree of toxicity because I am showing you accurately what's going through my anxiety-ridden head right now.
I am aware that most people take a, shall we say, rather more constructive view of doctors. I am aware that several of you have medical conditions that range from severely debilitating all the way up to life-threatening. And for you, the doctor is good and important.
Oddly, if I went to a doctor and they told me that I did have a life-threatening condition, that would be a much calmer thing. Not happy, you understand, but calmer. The calculations are easier there. If the doctor tells me today, "You have extremely high odds of having a heart attack before you're fifty unless you do ___," which by the way is something there is at least a thirty percent chance she will say, then I have to choose whether I want to change my lifestyle in significantly diminishing ways, or just say, "oh, well, damn my genetics and curse the darkness," and live with the odds of my heart going pop one day soon.
Jayran will not be happy with the paragraph above, nor will Nonelvis, but hang on; I really do have more insight than that, I'm not that much of a heel. Stay with me. I know it's a horribly selfish thing. My ideals on this matter say "I should be allowed to squander my life any way I like." My realism (yes, I do have some), says, "Well, wait, it's not nearly that simple."
Now, mind you: I don't have kids. I am not close to my family. My self-image is such that I can't believe I would leave too much of a hole in the universe among my friends and acquaintances. There is one and only one person on the planet for whose sake I have to stop and prevent myself from saying, "Well, I can't choose to die when and how I see fit" - because of the connection, because of the emotional effect it would have on her, and I'm married to her. There is one and only one person who was crazy enough, god bless her, to overlap her universe with mine on a permanent basis. I simply cannot say, "Well, sorry, honey, but I just don't want to do what the doctor says, so if I die before I'm fifty, tough luck." I can't do that, because 1) I love her and 2) I'm not a monster.
But I will say this, and I don't care what brickbats you throw at me for it: Sometimes I resent that. It feels like something that, by rights, I should have absolute control over, and I don't. Because I chose to trade that control for an emotional attachment which has been of benefit to me (and I hope to her). I think it was a good trade. Except on days when I have to go to the doctor. Then I resent it.
It means that when the doctor tells me I need to lose some weight, which I don't necessarily agree with, if I don't follow her advice, then I'll feel guilty - not because of disobeying the doctor, screw the doctor, but because I might be cheating my wife. If the doctor suggests my blood pressure is slightly elevated - which she will, because she did last time, and how the hell can she tell what my normal blood pressure is when I've never been anything less than a nervous wreck in a doctor's office in my life? - she will suggest either dietary or lifestyle changes I don't want to make, or blood pressure drugs I don't want to take, and if I continue to refuse either, then I am doing my wife a disservice indirectly.
Basically the bottom line is, I would like to have the liberty to be utterly selfish about this, and I don't. And then I get pissy. I get all "To hell with all of you, why the hell do you care anyway?" and start looking for the nearest bridge - except that I could never be suicidal, I'm way too selfish for it and anyway I'm scared to death of death. (Because my brain will not permit me to believe in any sort of existence after death which would be even half as interesting as this one.)
As I say, if it were a life-threatening condition with clear boundaries, it would be simpler. If it were, "Go get surgery for this today or you'll be dead in a week," well, no question then! But the problems are the cases where I have to trade minor misery now for minor gains in longevity later.
You know, I never planned to make it to retirement age alive. (When I was a teenager the idea that I'd make it past forty would have been greeted with risible laughter, but then, I was very depressed as a teenager.) Also, I feel like I have comparatively few things in my life that bring me joy. My wife; temporary fits from various entertainment media; very occasional visits with other humans within limited tolerances; walks; food; alcohol (and I keep myself under sharp limits there already because my father's ghost is hovering above me, smelling faintly of bourbon). That is the lot. I am reluctant to limit them any more than I already have. The gains from limiting them had better be damned good.
Last night I slept pretty well. Also, last night, in what I hope is an unrelated news story, I did not play Rift after dinner until just before bedtime, as has been my recent habit. I am hoping desperately these two are not connected. Really desperately. Because, see, as it is I feel like I don't get enough time playing it on weekday evenings, and I think my wife is getting a little tired of my playing it all the time on weekends. Rift, mock it if you will, is the main recreational activity in my life right now. It's my main tool for leaving the world behind temporarily. If I have to sharply curtail that in order to get the sleep I need to function ....
Why doesn't anyone ever want you to give up the bad things? Why doesn't anyone ever say, "Well, you work too much, you need to tell your boss that you need one day off a week for your health?" Why doesn't anyone ever say, "You need to eat more meatloaf?" Why doesn't it ever happen that playing computer games helps you sleep? You'll notice no one ever wants you to cut back on food that is utterly uninteresting to eat.
I'm sorry. I really, really don't like doctors. Even when they're the best doctors in the world. I know they do great things and they make people's lives better and they are a godsend to many, and I don't want to piss on that, but I also don't think any of that is ever going to make me see them as anything but adversaries.
10:50. I didn't quite make it to eleven. Now I've got to find something else to distract me.
N.B. I titled this entry "No Right" because I thought it was going to go someplace very different. I'll write that one some other day.
Oddly, if I went to a doctor and they told me that I did have a life-threatening condition, that would be a much calmer thing. Not happy, you understand, but calmer. The calculations are easier there.
You'd like to think that, wouldn't you.
-- 18:55, 17 March 2011 (GMT)
Mrissa has it. Being told you have a life-threatening condition is one of those things you think you may be prepared for, and will face stoically, until it actually happens.
I've been told that the most likely culprit of my (chronic, intense) abdominal pain is my daily drug regimen. What's the easy calculation there?
-- 19:05, 17 March 2011 (GMT)
Joy:
Oh, Patrick, I didn't know that. I'm sorry. Fuck stupid fucking health tradeoffs.
Col, hoping your appt went as well as it could.
I have a bp cuff at home, because mine goes up reliably at the doctor's office too.
-- 20:24, 17 March 2011 (GMT)
It went pretty well. If my lipids continue to test high the doctor wants to put me on anti-cholesterol drugs. This is one of the things I feared. I'd explain why but I've already been called an ingrate too many times today and I'm feeling raw.
All that said, if she does recommend the drugs I will probably go along, since apparently a secondary advantage of the drug is that it reduces risk of heart attack, and seeing as how risk of heart attack is the reason I made the appointment anyway (I haven't been to see her since 2008), I can't very well argue with that.
She did not have a good idea for ways to improve upper body condition that wouldn't make me tear my hear out. I'm still interested in hearing any suggestions there. I am in great shape ... from the waist down.
Strangely, my blood pressure this visit was normal and my heart rate wasn't even elevated, which is bizarre given that I could hear it in my ears in the waiting room.
And I renewed my tetanus shot. (Homeowners: You DO have a tetanus shot, don't you? Remember they last ten years; how long has it been?)
(Yes; I hate taking drugs but I am religious about keeping my tetanus shot up to date. Robert, if you come point out that this is a paradox and that by my rules, if I got tetanus, the natural state would be just to die of lockjaw, I swear I will teleport down to Brooklyn to swat you.)
-- 20:44, 17 March 2011 (GMT)
P.S. Joy, I'm sure you didn't want that much detail, but thank you for asking anyway.
-- 20:46, 17 March 2011 (GMT)
Joy:
I did want that much detail! I've been avoiding the doctor in a very uncharacteristic way for me, since I'm worried my bp will be up, the doctor will get mad at me for not losing any weight etc etc etc, which I believe is stupid, but there you go.
I have an appt next month for my thyroid level check, and I really need to have some cholesterol screening, and arrange for a pap and mammogram. I might end up in there earlier, since I apparently have either carpal tunnel, cubital tunnel, or thoracic outlet syndrome in my left arm (listed in order of increasing likeliness) and it is driving me crazy.
See? I have too much detail for you too!
God, getting older sucks.
-- 21:01, 17 March 2011 (GMT)
What ways to improve upper body conditioning make you want to tear your hair out? I bet there are some alternatives that can be found.
-- 21:04, 17 March 2011 (GMT)
Um, I don't see weights or something like NordicTrack working out for me. To give you an idea of where I'm at in terms of what exercise works for me, I was briefly wondering if there was a place around here where I could get into fencing again. Something like that, that is a participative experience instead of repeating the same motions over and over. (I realize I am asking a lot.)
-- 21:07, 17 March 2011 (GMT)
God, getting older sucks.
I rather like it, except for the body part!
ETA: Had you had a history of elevated thyroid levels?
-- 21:08, 17 March 2011 (GMT)
If we ever get Len's brain sorted out so he's able to be moderately functional, I want you two to talk. I bet he might have suggestions for less-hair-tearing-out stuff. (His personal training clients really seemed to dig stuff that involved throwing medicine balls around with him, but I'm guessing that if you feel the way I do about doctors and dentists and hairdressers, you probably also feel the way I do about personal trainers, so the chance of you getting one of your own for this sort of thing is minimal at best.)
My BP always shoots up like crazy at the nurse station, but once I am back with my doctor and she re-takes it after we've chatted for a while, I am back down in okay range. Might be a thought for others who are so keyed up about OMG DOCTOR VISIT that their bp shoots way the hell through the roof.
(I got nothing else, though. I'm avoiding my doctor because I was doing well at weight loss last time I was there, I've gained most of it back again, and I don't want the lecture. I'm trying to convince myself I can lose it again before I run out of my crazymeds and need a new script.)
-- 21:11, 17 March 2011 (GMT)
That sounds like a great idea, I don't think that is a lot to ask!
I would have suggested exercises using your bodyweight as resistance (pushups, pullups, tricep dips, etc.) but it would be much more rewarding to take up an activity that gives you the opportunity to do something you enjoy (which means you are more likely to do it on the regular) while you are strengthening your upper body.
-- 21:14, 17 March 2011 (GMT)
Do you play tennis? I suck at tennis, but if there's somewhere around our workplaces we could play, I would be up for a regular game. Unless you're really an ace at tennis, because then I'd be no fun to play against.
If not, doesn't MIT have fencing, or is that just for the students?
-- 22:04, 17 March 2011 (GMT)
I am not going to give you a hard time about tetanus shots. Indeed, I thank you for the reminder -- I get mine in years ending with a 0, and I forgot last year (because I'm dodging the doctor because I don't want my current weight on any medical record; it would screw up my ability to reset my insurance once I take it off). I should check to see if the City gives 'em away.
"Because my brain will not permit me to believe in any sort of existence after death which would be even half as interesting as this one." Well, gosh, isn't *that* incentive enough to do all the little things?
-- 22:07, 17 March 2011 (GMT)
Mel:
Um, so, to be totally self-involved about it, is there a verdict on the Rift-related part of this yet? I really am fond of knowing whether to expect you or not.
The doctor-related thing I have been putting off this year is the colonoscopy. For some reason, it's my ob/gyn who bugs me about this, not my primary care doctor. So I have until I'm due to go see her in the summer to get around to it.
And I don't have doctor-related anxiety so much as I have anxiety due to the BP machine itself, because I hate those things. Particularly the automated ones. I'm pretty sure my BP shoots up the minute I see one.
-- 22:53, 17 March 2011 (GMT)
Joy:
Col, I started having mine checked years ago because they found some nodules (that look perfectly harmless, and aren't big enough to be of concern). A few years after that, when pregnant with Larkin, I discovered my T4 was really low, although apparently my brain didn't know it yet because my TSH was perfectly normal. I've been on a thyroid hormone ever since.
Although, I take an incredibly minimal dose, and nothing went wonky with my second pregnancy, when things are supposed to, and sometimes I wonder if I had some low-level something and my TSH never would have gotten out of wack and why the hell am I taking these meds.
-- 01:32, 18 March 2011 (GMT)
Iain:
Col, I started having mine checked years ago because they found some nodules (that look perfectly harmless, and aren't big enough to be of concern).
Ah, yes, the nodules. When they were trying to figure out my stomach problems -- which weren't so much purely stomach issues as spasms of the entire upper GI, which had the side effect of making it difficult to swallow -- they checked my thyroid to see if it was the problem. It wasn't, but along the way the ultrasound apparently uncovered a fair number of nodules. I can't tell you what a thrilling experience it is to have an ENT say that there's no problem now, and it'll be easy to deal with when it happens as long as they keep on top of things, but I *WILL* be developing thyroid cancer in the near future. Not "nodules mean there's a possibility of this happening" or "you have a good chance of this, so we need to monitor"; it WILL be happening. So now I get to have a thyroid ultrasound and a referral to the ENT with every annual physical. (Which ... I kind of haven't had for two years, I just realized. Hmm.)
It did have the side effect of explaining why the first level thyroid test keeps throwing off results that say I'm hyperthyroid, which I really clearly OBVIOUSLY am not.
I rather like [getting older], except for the body part!
Indeed. Why haven't we evolved into superintelligent balls of light already? I was assured by countless science fiction/fantasy stories that we would be superintelligent balls of light by now! Or at least have flying cars everywhere.
-- 02:44, 18 March 2011 (GMT)
re upper body - my kid didn't walk until about 16 months and was a very big kid. During months 6 to about 24, Spouse's arms started to look almost *cut* from all the lugging and carrying of the large squirmy toddler.
That's a .... tad drastic, though, I suspect.
-- 13:20, 18 March 2011 (GMT)
I have been told by my brother- and sister-in-law that I can drive on down and participate in the Toddler Lifting Crunch Program any time I please!
-- 13:39, 18 March 2011 (GMT)
Joy:
Well, be careful with those toddlers though. I think mine is the cause of my tingling and numb left arm.
Huh, iain, my nodules were monitored for a few years. Were too tiny to biopsy, and since they were not changing, I was told they really weren't problematic and just would need to be checked on occasionally. No expression of doom. Apparently way more people have nodules than ever get discovered.
-- 14:01, 18 March 2011 (GMT)
Lots of fencing possibilities. Most of the universities have either a club (like MIT) or a full team (both BC and Harvard at least did in the past). I don't remember if MIT lets non-students participate in practices. There's always Bay State Fencers in Somerville, Moe Wen club in Somerville (which has some former Tufts folks I used to fence against as instructors), Boston Fencing Club in Waltham, and on and on. Full list of sanctioned clubs at http://usfencing.org/massachusetts-clubs
And yes, you're welcome to come do one-arm or two-arm niece/nephew curls anytime you'd like. If you stack 'em, they might be good for bench press too. Otherwise we can just duct tape them together.
-- 15:37, 18 March 2011 (GMT)
"If my lipids continue to test high the doctor wants to put me on anti-cholesterol drugs."
I'm getting tested again in May and I'm hoping very much that the diet/exercise changes I've done since November will mean my cholesterol levels and blood-sugar levels are better. I do not want to be on anti-cholesterol drugs myself, I would prefer to limit my cheese and bacon intake and spend more time at the gym.
I figure I hate side effects from drugs way more than I hate dieting. (Also, I am just plain sick of being fat, but that's not germaine to the topic.)
Fencing sounds like fun. Or, er, you could try boxing. You wouldn't actually have to box any people, but it's fun to learn all the moves. Some type of martial arts might work too.
-- 05:11, 19 March 2011 (GMT)
If I would just do what I know I need to do, which is lose 20-25 pounds, I would be able to dump most, if not all, of my daily meds. I refuse to take statins. I know too many people who have been damaged by statin use. One good friend has permanent muscle damage, which didn't surface until he'd been on them for several years. However, there's this stuff called red yeast rice that functions similarly. I also take Lovaza and Niaspan. Could probably stop all of them by dumping some poundage. So, why don't I? Do I have a death wish, or something? I'm gonna fool around and put it off until something drastic happens, I can see it all now. The specter of spending the rest of my days drooling in a wheelchair, having stroked out in a big way, should be enough incentive to get me off my lazy ass. I, too, am avoiding the doctor visit until my meds get so close to running out, I have to do something. Sheesh, what a way for an otherwise intelligent gal to subsist. Shameful it is. Motivate I must. There is no try...
I've been contemplating tap dancing classes. It's just that I'm afraid they'd kill me. Yoga's nice, too, if only for the relaxation and flexibility it offers. There is no try. There is no try. There is no try.......
-- 15:46, 19 March 2011 (GMT)
The best exercise for you is the one you want to do. Fencing sounds like terrific cardio and a good way to work off your frustrations.
I am not a doctor, but I am skeptical about statins for the reason that Bunny mentions. I don't like the side effects that my uncle had when he took them. I am also highly suspicious of the heavy marketing behind them. I will spare you the soapbox, but trust me, I have one on the subject.
I have more to say but I will put it in a separate email.
-- 18:52, 19 March 2011 (GMT)
Rhonda, most of the people I know who are taking or have taken statins have experienced side effects not worth the risk, including my own mother. Okay, 40 million Americans take Lipitor. If you posit 1% with side effects, that's one huge number. From what I know of red yeast rice, it's a sort of natural statin. Even that makes me somewhat uneasy, but, so far, I haven't noticed anything in the way of muscle involvement, and my liver enzyme numbers seem okay. It'd be so much smarter to rely on diet and exercise. What's the matter with me, anyway!
-- 21:59, 19 March 2011 (GMT)
Nonelvis:
I chose to trade that control for an emotional attachment which has been of benefit to me (and I hope to her)
Eh, it's not bad.
(kidding, kidding, I swear!)
Anyway, you left before I read this, or I'd have told you that some people commonly have anxiety-related high blood pressure at doctor's appointments, and that they can take your blood pressure later in the appointment or maybe even another day, when you don't have to see a doctor, to get a more accurate picture of things.
-- 17:08, 17 March 2011 (GMT)