Eccentric Flower:201007/There Is No Point

The biggest of the problems
is that no one asks me
to tell the stories I want
to tell,
and I no longer want
to tell
them unless someone asks me.

The biggest of the problems
is that I want you to know
how much
I hate you for not loving me as much
as I need, but if I tell you my hate
you will never again love
me at all.

The biggest of the problems
is that I don't understand
how you can't see that I am
worthless,
but if I force you to see the truth
then there is a very good chance
you will believe it.

The biggest of the problems
is that when I insist I'm right,
I know I'm usually actually wrong,
and I'm waiting
for someone to be right, but only
in a specific way of being right
that I can bear facing.

The biggest of the problems
is that you have an untold obligation
to be quicker and better and saner and smarter and stabler than I am,
and when you fail this test
it angers me that you did not meet my standards,
but when you pass this test
it depresses me that I am left behind.

The biggest of the problems
is that I believe everything is zero-sum -
if I win then someone else must fail, which is saddening;
if I fail then someone else is my enemy, which is angering;
every victory is tenuous,
every failure is permanent,
and ultimately there is no point in forward motion.