Eccentric Flower:200906/February 2000
From Eccentric Flower
February 2000
This was probably the wrong time to revisit that month. February is always bad; this one may yet turn out to be the worst of the lot. Rage, despair, and hate - which would be one thing if I were in the proper state of mind to deal with those entries, but I reread them on a day when I was tired and ill-ish for the second day in a row, during a period when I have the nagging sensation that I'm not accomplishing enough ... as was the case then, too - as I note at the top of one of those entries, nothing will collapse my mood and worldview faster than the sensation that I'm underperforming. Of course, I always think I'm underperforming, because my personal standards are inexorable, but some months it's worse than others, and I see the clues in February 2000 - a big deadline at work I was scared I wasn't going to make, frustration on fiction, etc.
I'm a little frustrated right now, too; I'm having that feeling that always comes when I feel like I've posted a lot of stuff and I'm also lonely and it seems way too quiet. One thing about moving this from LiveJournal was that on LJ it was easier to assure myself that people were at least seeing the entries even if they said nothing; here that's harder to do. And as you'll recall, I had the occasional fit about that even over there.
This is why I worry about the emotional isolationism of the online world that we have all become dependent upon. One day we're all going to be wrecks like me, wondering how we forgot how to form human connections and how we got here. Meanwhile, we all sit by our Blackberry or our email or our comments pages, waiting for light to shine in empty spaces.
But I digress. And, because I have learned one or two things since 2000, I am not going into a tailspin like I did then in similar circumstances. I am not wallowing in the emotions I wallowed in then, tempting as it is. I'm just a little lonely. And tired. And ill. And sad.
There are a couple of things I do want to show you, though. Any month which has "Barometric Omens" in it cannot be all bad. This is that rare work I love enough that my confidence in it cannot be shaken: If you don't like it, too bad for you, you're wrong. (Well, no, you're not wrong; poetry is a matter of taste even more than fiction. Let us say instead that if you don't like it, I think, "Your loss, Toots" ... as opposed to my reaction when you don't like a work I'm less confident in, which is more along the lines of, "Oh, lord, where did I screw up?")
There are some women of my acquaintance who are astonished and/or annoyed about my facility with high-heeled shoes. There are other women of my acquaintance who have seldom or never worn high heels (true!) and are curious. This entry is for both groups. It is also the emotional high point of February 2000, so enjoy it. Oh, and it has a couple of pictures - but not of me.
While the first "Rage and Omens" entry is not shiny happy, I've added a new comment at the top which explains why I think it's important, and also says a thing or two about people and stupidity.
And finally, somewhere in here is one of the best quotes from Kymm ever:
Ah, you caught that, did you?
But, as I also note in that entry, I expected the people at the wine show to be trade people - people who would know their stuff. What threw me about the wine show - which was billed to me as a professional show, where you go to assess wines to decide if you want to buy them later - was the number of casual people who were, basically, there just for fun. The anger was mostly from the shock of misplaced expectations.
-- 17:22, 16 June 2009 (BST)
One thing, as I note in that latter entry, is that I often assume people hate/don't want to have things explained to them. I figure no one really wants someone to tell them why it is natural that a spätlese wine would be sweeter than an auslese - because I assume that my standards are everyone else's and I tend not to take having things explained to me well; I have to learn it for myself. "Formal high tea" was mostly silliness, but to the extent I was dimly aware of the term "high tea" then, I just associated it with the time - early evening instead of late afternoon. Not until some years and several Dorothy Sayers books later did I learn it was "meat tea," often a fairly substantial meal, and definitely considered declassé by some social groups. If someone had pointed that out to me at the time in person, I'd have reacted the way I tend to do when someone corrects me in person - Lingering Demon #6 here.
I try never to correct anyone in public anymore, not even a mispronounced word. I'll tell them discreetly on the side, or put it in email or something private. Even in the journal, where the removed medium blunts the force, would be better. I remember just about every time I have been publicly corrected on some topic, as far back as my memory goes, and these are the shames that haunt me on bad-sleep nights. Call me neurotic.
-- 17:34, 16 June 2009 (BST)
Interesting. I often refrain from commenting because a) I don't have much of anything to add, and b) I don't want to broadcast that factoid about myself. The result is, you feel that you're being ignored. I feel kind of silly commenting "Wow, I really enjoyed Casting Couch!" (Which, incidentally, I loved. I could imagine myself sitting at the next table, and the conversation was so right, so accurate, I was entranced.) I can't compare it to other literature or make some other erudite addition, so I feel intimidated enough not to comment at all.
Suffice to say, I am thoroughly enjoying reading the back stuff, since I wasn't around then. If I let it, it could consume whole days, and then I wouldn't get anything accomplished.
Tonight I'll think of you not watching the Red Sox/Marlins series.
-- 20:19, 16 June 2009 (BST)
You're right, I won't be watching that! (Although I did read an interesting article this morning on various ways the Sox might deal with the Problem of Too Many Pitchers. I favor the one that throws Dice-K back to the minors for a little rehab. He stinks this year.)
I'm glad you are enjoying both the fiction and the archives. Don't mind me when I go on these fits.
-- 20:24, 16 June 2009 (BST)
Eh, they left out Plan F: Knock that prima donna Beckett off his high horse. Oh, don't remind me of his talent. I saw it all when he was a Marlin. (Also his tendency toward injuries, real or convenient.) If arrogance is a necessary part of pitching excellence, then how to explain Greg Maddox or Dontrelle Willis? Beckett's hubris is so irritating. I'd love to see him relegated to the bullpen for a couple of months, to teach him a little humility. Won't happen, because, unfortunately, he's in one of his more productive phases. I'm actually pretty thankful the Marlins won't be facing him, this time around.
-- 21:15, 16 June 2009 (BST)
The Red Sox are, as a whole, not very good at humility, I think. It's one of the many reasons I can't get more engaged with them. Whatever happened to "I just want to do what's best for the ball club?"
-- 21:19, 16 June 2009 (BST)
Jette:
I think it is funny that you wrote an entry about how awful it is that all those people who don't know jack about wine were in the middle of a tasting that you thought should be reserved for people who know their terminology and their wines ... and then at the end you talk about wanting "formal high tea" when the term "high tea" is one of the most misused terms, poor thing, as it means exactly the opposite of formal. Cookies are not high tea. Perhaps you were just too riled up at the time to recall this.
But it made me laugh, partially at myself. Here I am, a wine illiterate, feeling a little resentful about your anger in the entry, and then I turn into a manners snob. So we all have our little touchy points in this wonderful world of ours. Heh.
One of the great improvements in my life in the past few years has been learning how to handle situations like the one you described in the entry, because I can't deal with crowded rooms like that either.
I love Kymm's quote. I think it applies to all of us at some time or another, including Kymm.
-- 17:09, 16 June 2009 (BST)