Eccentric Flower:200002/Permission to fail

Catherine:

"Are you okay?" people ask.

How do you suppose I should answer that?

I never know what the hell to say.

The big answer is "Yes, indeed, I am wonderful."

The immediate answer is, "Fuck, no."

And I admit to sometimes thinking "And why are you asking such a stupid question?"

But I know why. The same reason I'd be asking it if the situation were reversed. It is not stupidity - it is concern. But still, there you are, your guts determined to make you sorry you were born - sweat forming on every peak your body possesses. It's hard to come up with a good answer besides my usual, "Unnnhh."

I can't ask Catherine the things I want to ask. I can't make the criticisms I sometimes want to make. I can't. Even if I suddenly lost the tiny bit of common sense I have and became willing to damn the torpedoes and fire off the flames, I couldn't.

It's just too big. Catherine's problems make me feel guilty for my problems. Catherine's situation is beyond my comprehension.

No, no, that's not quite true. I comprehend it. Let's try again: With Catherine, I know exactly what causes my hurt and rage upon reading her words. And I know that telling her about my hurt and rage will accomplish nothing.

She already knows.

I have the endless temptation to say to people, "Why? Why are you doing it this way? Can't you see what the universe looks like from outside your head?"

But of course, they can't. I can't either. And then I become aware that I am casting stones from my glass house again and grow ashamed of myself. Defensive. Angry.

I risk shattering my glass house a lot. Quite often. Would you like to know why? It's simple.

There are two kinds of faults I see in other people:
1. Faults I don't have
2. Faults I do have

I can forgive the former. If I say anything about those at all, it will be gentle. But if you have the latter, god help you. I will send you a long missive that basically says Don't be me. Don't you dare be me.

I don't like myself much.

But you knew that.

I read a web page which criticized someone for "giving yourself permission to fail." The idea was that, if you constantly belittle yourself, criticize yourself - especially in public - you are setting yourself up to fail later, you are giving yourself an excuse in advance to avoid trying.

I personally prefer to think of it as keeping my standards achievable.

I excel once in a while - I have some facility with words, and I can talk to computers well enough to keep myself solvent. But I am not much of a person. Some of that is me inflicting my self-image on the universe, and some of it is the universe shoehorning me.

I think, under the circumstances, giving myself permission to fail is the correct thing to do. The rational thing.

After all, it doesn't mean I don't also have permission to succeed.