Eccentric Flower:200002/I just want to sleep

I'm not getting any work done. I can't focus.

Saturday night is still very much with me.

"You don't have big problems, you just have a lot of little problems that like to hang out together." But sometimes even that is too much, sometimes I'm just so tired and I want to go out with the tide, stop fighting and just slip under. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep.

Susan said that.

I wanted very much to talk someone out of suicide this weekend, but I couldn't do it. What I mean was, he told me his point of view and when he was finished, I could not say to him: "No, you can't. You're wrong."

Yes - I am morally opposed to suicide. But I am also in favor of free will, free choice. It's difficult for me to say which I feel more strongly about.

When someone explains to me that their life has reached a point where all the days are wearying because they are mottled by pain, where the debits exceed the credits, and they present their case in a way that tells me they've thought it out and considered the options and still decided that getting out of the game is an attractive option ... who am I to gainsay them? I have to assume they know their own tolerances, much better than I do.

The best I can do is say
1. I really wish you wouldn't.
2. I think it will be a dreadful loss.

I said both. And I meant both. But they are probably not good enough.

I have no other tools.

I cannot envision myself in a state where I want to end my life. I can't picture anything which drains me, which wearies me so badly, which hurts so much that I want to cut my losses and have done. But I am also not stupid enough to say that no such thing exists.

He said to me: "I'd like to see more of you. When I see you in person, I remember that I like you. It's hard to remember that when I'm reading your journal. That's why I don't comment on it to you anymore."

I'm not repeating that exactly - I can't remember his exact words. But I was amused.

I've known since I began that this was my nasty face, the place where I put the bile and the venom. That's part of the ground rules. I'm more pleasant in person, but hardly anyone sees me in person because (until recently) I wasn't comfortable enough with myself to do that.

I have a lot of differences with him, differences he may not be aware of. We're both opinionated people. Several times, I wanted to air my gripes with him here, to get rid of them. But I couldn't. He'd read them, recognize them, maybe get angry or sad about them.

The insides of our heads - this is a fundamental belief of mine - are often unpleasant, and this shouldn't be held against us. The difference is that some of us are displaying the contents of our heads in this medium, displaying things which may be better kept private. I'm not sure why we have this quirk - exhibitionism maybe? - but that's why our friends probably shouldn't read our journals.

Telepathy, I feel, is not an asset in a friendship. As opposed to a relationship.

It'd be nice to have a rule which says, "If it's in this space, it should not be taken to heart, it doesn't count." But that doesn't seem to work.

I haven't flinched at saying things which annoy me about my other friends (and sometimes it's gotten me in trouble). Only him. I don't know why I've been so scared of offending him. But I have been, ever since I met him. And I don't even know him very well.

He's not dead. Not yet. Maybe not ever. But I am not hopeful.

I don't want him to die, but he'll look me in the eye with that mild penetrating gaze, and ask why. Why someone who sees him once a month at most, someone who is essentially a self-centered soul, should be strongly affected one way or another. And I won't have a better answer. I'll only be able to repeat the same phrase.

I don't want you to die.

And I can't think about this any longer now. I slept from five to noon. It wasn't enough. The code is swimming in front of me and I promised a prototype at the end of this week. I have a headache. My contact lenses itch. My right shoe hurts. I am acutely aware of minor pains today, aware of how minor they are, annoyed that they annoy me, annoyed with everything.

Like Susan says: I just want to go to sleep.

Doesn't everyone?