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Signs, portents, and pies
(Driving home. We have been to the grocery store and the video rental store. As always, the Somerville pedestrians are mostly moronic college students with no sense of crosswalks, traffic lights, or self-preservation.)
Columbine: (to pedestrians) Get out of the road! You don't have the brains God gave an unwaxed purple-top turnip!
Nonelvis: Well.
Columbine: Um. Yeah. I saw those in the grocery store. That's what the labels said. Unwaxed Purple-Top Turnips.
Nonelvis: Mm-hm.
Columbine: Each turnip was individually shrink-wrapped.
Nonelvis: I know. I saw. It was really excessive.
Columbine: No. Really excessive was the foam trays of pre-diced turnips. For those people who just can't manage to figure out how to cut their own turnips. Or who are just simply too busy.
Nonelvis: They had pre-diced potatoes the other day too.
Columbine: The world is going to hell.
Nonelvis: I know.
(Now we are behind a bus. On the back of the bus is an ad for Don Imus' radio show. It has several images of his head, tinted various colors, and "Imus" is in a very recognizable font.)
Nonelvis: Is that supposed to be an iMac joke?
Columbine: (gleeful) Yup!
Nonelvis: That's ... disturbing.
Columbine: But also funny.
Nonelvis: Oh, speaking of disturbing and funny - did you see the article on Boston's new tourism campaign in the paper?
Columbine: No, but I saw the one the other day about the new pedestrian-warning campaign. Those are some serious signs.
Nonelvis: Aren't they great? I especially like the one they're putting up by Berklee [College of Music.] With the "wait" sign.
Columbine: It's a fermata.
Nonelvis: That's the one.
Columbine: A fermata doesn't mean to wait, you know. It means to hold the note longer than you're supposed to. A rest means to wait. There are all kinds of different rests.
Nonelvis: You're right.
Columbine: I bet they get letters from Berklee students telling them they got it wrong.
Nonelvis: Anyway, the new tourism poster has a person with the head of a Revolutionary soldier ... the upper body is a Red Sox uniform ... the lower body is a woman in a bikini ... and it ends in a lobster tail.
Columbine: Um. You're right, that's disturbing.
Nonelvis: But also funny.
(We arrive at the house, go in with the groceries, and Nonelvis begins to unpack them while I am busy elsewhere. I come back into the kitchen.)
Nonelvis: Tell me you already put the blueberries and the lima beans in the freezer.
Columbine: I haven't touched any of these bags.
(Nonelvis opens the freezer.)
Nonelvis: Damn it! They must have forgotten to pack them.
Columbine: Do you want me to drive you back to the store?
Nonelvis: No, no ... I can't believe they forgot to pack them!
Columbine: I'll drive you back to the store.
Nonelvis: No, it's all right, we'll just go get more tomorrow. I just don't know how that could have happened.
Columbine: (checking the receipt) Here. Take a look and see if anything else is missing.
Nonelvis: The orange juice. Damn!
Columbine: Do you want me to take you back to the store?
Nonelvis: I can't believe it.
Columbine: It must have been the bag with all the cold stuff.
Nonelvis: I am SO annoyed.
Columbine: Nonelvis. I'll be happy to take you back to the store, but if you want to go, say so, before I go take my shoes off.
Nonelvis: No, no, it's okay -
Columbine: (considering) Where's the milk?
Nonelvis: DAMN.
Columbine: I'll take you to the store.
Nonelvis: Okay. Let's go.
(We drive to the store. Nonelvis goes in while I wait in the car. Shortly she comes back. When she opens her door, the first thing she does is set a pie box on the dashboard. Then she puts the bag of groceries on the car floor and gets in.)
Nonelvis: (barely containing giggling) I suppose you're wondering, "What's with the pie?"
Columbine: Something like that. Did they give you a lovely parting gift because they lost your groceries?
Nonelvis: Yes!
Columbine: Seriously.
Nonelvis: I went in and they said, "Oh, yeah, you left a bag here." I didn't say "That's because YOU forgot to put it in the basket." So they sent me over to the Customer Service counter and the lady just kinda randomly said, "Hey, we should give her a pie." In that lovely Boston accent. I started to say, "No, that's okay," but the kid led me over to the bakery case and said, "Go on, get something, whatever you want." So now we have a pie.
Columbine: I guess all's well that ends well.
Nonelvis: I can't believe they gave me a pie.
Columbine: Mmm.
(We drive back home.)
Nonelvis: They gave us a PIE!
Columbine: I know.
© Columbine
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