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Memoranda
To: President, Peet's Coffees
From: Columbine
Since I believe you're the best coffee chain on earth, I was naturally thrilled to see you moving into town - but I cannot help but wonder if you have deliberately chosen your locations in a plot to break my heart. Why Harvard Square? Those snotty kids in Harvard Square wouldn't know good coffee if it bit them. Davis Square is much, much more hip. Of course, we're so hip that we already have two locally-run coffee joints, and it's probably better that I give them my business. Oh, well. Never mind.
To: General Manager
Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority
From: Columbine
I realize that the working policy of the MBTA, for many years, has been, "If you need it explained, then you don't belong here." At least, I presume that is the rationale behind the lack of bulletins, information, station announcements on trains, and so forth. This is a very Bostonian attitude (witness the lack of street signs in our fair city), and I commend you for it, but is it really necessary to go so far as to cause people mental anguish?
In other cities with subways - not that they know anything, heavens no! - there are small cardstock items known as "fare cards." Unlike a T pass, they may contain varying amounts of money. Unlike a T pass, they may be purchased for more than six days in every thirty. Unlike a T pass, they may be purchased in actual subway stations, rather than needing to hunt around for the nearest newsstand or drugstore that might conceivably have this commodity.
They don't even require extra personnel, as - and I realize this will come as a shock to you - technology has now made it possible for card values to be changed by automated machinery, similar to the vending machines you may have seen in the office cafeteria on your infrequent visits there.
In saying this, I want to assure you that I am in no way compensating for feelings of vindictiveness at being informed today that my local convenience store had run out of subway passes, and having to go all the way to your excellent and semi-clean Back Bay facility in order to purchase one.
I realize all of this must sound rather dangerous and newfangled, but please do give the idea of farecards some thought. I recognize that all this modernization will probably necessitate an increase in subway fares, oh, even to as much as a dollar a ride - in which case you can introduce the public to another radical principle: that of getting exactly what one is willing to pay for.
To: The man panhandling in front of the Back Bay station this afternoon
From: Columbine
When you holler at me and I keep walking, it doesn't mean I don't hear you. It means I know what you're up to and I'm ignoring you. You don't win anyone's good grace by then hollering louder and louder as I walk away. You just make yourself look like a lunatic. Which may not - dare I suggest it - be a benefit in your line of work.
To: Former Chief Executive Officer
BankBoston (c/o Fleet)
From: Columbine
I suppose you are expecting me to be incredibly thankful that your "outside ATM use" fee has decreased from a dollar to seventy-five cents. However, I continue to maintain that any such fee is unreasonable, and don't think I'm not aware that it only happened because Fleet charges seventy-five cents and the so-called merger was recently finalized. Just remember - you guys didn't even get to put your name on the banks. All you got as consolation was that stupid graphic that doesn't look anything like an eagle. They own you, from your hairpieces to your overweight rears to your ill-fitting brown shoes. And every time someone hands you a seventy-five cent extortion charge, I want you to remember that. And wince.
To: Chief Executive Officer
Burger King
From: Columbine
Given that Americans are collectively the most overweight and physically decrepit that they have ever been, don't you think that adding bacon to your already quite greasy chicken sandwich is a case of hitting us where we are already at our weakest, at a time when our resistance is at low ebb?
Oh, wait. Of course you do. I forgot who I was dealing with for a moment. Congratulations on your excellent timing.
You know, even McDonald's at least tried to add some low-fat sandwiches to their menu.
The bacon makes the sandwich too salty anyway.
To: All Area Managers
Ritz Camera
From: Columbine
I have said it before and I will say it again: When a big neon sign in your window says "One Hour Processing," I expect the processing to take an hour, or reasonable facsimile thereof. I don't mind when I go next door to Moto-Photo at ten minutes to three and they tell me to come back at four-twenty; I don't even mind a two-hour span. But to come in and be told "six p.m," or worse, "tomorrow" - as has happened to me three times now at your establishments - is unacceptable. Until you comprehend this, I shall continue to give my business to your neighbor.
To: Manager
Moto-Photo (Boylston St.)
From: Columbine
You developed and charged me for double prints when I specifically requested singles. I thought it was fairly pricey but didn't realize until I got home and now it's too late to go back and get a refund and I'm mad at you too.
So don't look so smug.
To: The kids lined up all the way around the block at Tower Records
From: Columbine
You know, children, I'm thirty-one years old. From your perspective, that means I was around approximately when dinosaurs walked the earth. And I have learned many things in my advanced age. I will share one of them with you now.
Although I admire your dedication - one of your number had wrapped himself in a giant plastic bag, coat and all, to provide shelter from the winds whipping up at high speed from the Mass. Pike - there are very few things worth queueing up outdoors for hours for. Very few. And a five-song promo performance in a claustrophobic record store by Rage Against The Machine is certainly not one of them.
Not that you'll listen.
To: Editor-in-Chief
The Boston Globe
From: Columbine
Is there any chance of one day having a weather box on the front page that bears some resemblance to the reality taking place outside my front door? Specifically, when the box says it is nominally somewhere around sixty degrees, is there some way to indicate the presence of those playful, self-aware, three-hundred-mile-an-hour Boston winds which drop the apparent temperature below forty-five? Please?
And while we're on the subject, how about a little message for those windy days that says, "No matter how you tie your hair back, the wind will get it, so you'd better wash it this morning so that it will at least look nice when it's all over your face?"
Too much to hope for? I suppose so.
To: Director of Marketing
French Connection
From: Columbine
All right, I'm aware that your initials are "FC," and that you are based at least partially in England, and that therefore "fcuk" is a legitimate, if juvenile, imprint to slather all over your signage. Fcuk them if they can't take a joke, right?
I am also aware that an advertisement with a young female and the caption "think my clothes off," and another advertisment with two young females and the caption, "yes, both," are useful for attracting young men into your stores who otherwise wouldn't go near them.
I just want you to be aware that there is a wee possibility that the message you are sending might not be an altogether positive one. Thank you.
To: Manager
Brentano's (Copley Place)
From: Columbine
You may not be aware that the location you are freshly occupying was, until recently, a branch of the local bookstore chain Lauriat's, now defunct. I mention this because they were much beloved - though obviously not to the point of sufficient patronage - and that, plus the fact that you smell of New York in a very anti-Manhattanite town, is why people are hissing under their breath as they walk past your display windows. I thought you might like that mystery cleared up.
Myself, I never found either the selection or the service at Lauriat's anything to write home about (although it is possible that I only began to patronize them after they were already moribund). So, for the moment, I will not be adding my brickbats to those of the rest of the crowd.
But don't get cocky.
To: Director of Marketing
Victoria's Secret
From: Columbine
It says in your window that your Desire line, recently introduced, is "the new shape of sexy." What was wrong with the old shape?
To: Jette
From: Columbine
Thanks for the format. I knew it would come in handy one day.
© Columbine
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