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And now for something not entirely different
Oh, don't give me any hell about the Three-Entry Rule. Three entries yesterday. Three entries today. That's simple enough. Not my fault that I posted all of the yesterday ones after midnight, so that the index page makes it look like I suddenly developed diarrhea of the mouth on 27 September.
A more extreme case of verbal diarrhea than usual, I mean.
I stopped to calm myself down from the previous rants by reading a few journals and Kymm linked to Stee, whom I have never read, but was exactly the ticket to cheer me up. Now, see, if I had the ability to make my cynicism amusing, like he does ... I read this entry and cackled aloud. This is exactly the way an ex-Louisiana resident thinks that Bostonians deal with heavy rain.
Because you probably need a change of pace at this point as much as I do, I believe I will go the extra mile and answer his little survey ... which has better questions than most such demented exercises.
Mind you, when I say "change of pace," I don't mean that the tone is any more pleasant, or even that I'm avoiding all of the usual topics. But at least it's a different format.
1.Would you rather look gorgeous and be retarded, or look retarded and be a genius?
I have fantasies from my subconscious about being beautiful and braindead; my rational brain tells me that being ugly and smart is infinitely preferable; so I spend the days locked in mortal combat with myself.
2.If you could bitchslap one actor/actress, who would it be?
Anyone who feels they are entitled to a salary of over a million dollars for an acting job is entitled to one. Line 'em up, I'll deal them out. When I am Queen of the Universe, I will make all actors and actresses work for scale while on-set or doing promo, plus happy percentages of the profits. That way they may still make a pile from the movie, but only if the movie does well. And if the De Niros of the world say they are simply Too Damned Big to appear on a set for scale, well, they have lovely retirement homes in the hills to go to. Problem is that this plan depends on the studios to stick to it.
I'm ranting again, aren't I? Next!
3.If you could bitchslap one musician, who would it be?
Garth Brooks. This is the kind of person who gives megalomaniacs a bad name.
Runner-up: Jewel. Your poetry sucks, honey, and your singing isn't too hot either.
4.If you could bitchslap one relative, who would it be?
My father. Oh, wait, I already did.
5.If you had to make-out with one relative, who would it be?
Well, it would be impossible to countenance no matter who I did it with. But if you're assuming extremes - like, Dr. No has informed me that my whole family will be blown up by a thermonuclear device unless I play along - I'd pick my sister, because, first, she and I would be most likely to shrug it off afterward, and second, I suspect she'd be the most fun.
6.You see a spider on your wall, what do you do?
Say, "Hi there" and leave it alone. I like spiders. Two hours later, Nonelvis sees it, and asks me to pick it up on a piece of paper and transport it outside. Nonelvis likes spiders too. Just not in the house.
7.Washing your privates in the shower: the lean or the fast hand-o'-water transfer?
I can stand at the back of the tub and arrange it so the shower spray comes to bear right where I need it. I guess that's "the lean," but I use my hand too. Hey, why skimp on one of the best parts? For that matter, I have a detachable shower head. Cleanliness is next to godliness, you know, and many people are willing to testify that The Shower Massage Is Your Friend.
8.David Blaine or David Copperfield?
I don't know who David Blaine is. However, I'll take a flesh-eating mutant over David Copperfield, a Lifetime Achievement Award winner for Smarmiest Man On The Planet.
9.You need to do laundry desperately, do you wear dirty underwear or no underwear?
Hmm. The problem seldom arises, since underwear is the limiting factor that tells me it's time to do laundry. But I recall that once I went without. No underwear is acceptable if one is recently showered; dirty underwear is never acceptable.
10.Julia Roberts: growing more and more beautiful, or more and more odd-looking?
Julia's always been odd-looking. I have never understood what the world sees in her. Even among the airbrushed set, there are many others I'd stare at first.
11.Favorite cussword / phrase?
I try to avoid them; they're so unoriginal. I usually work up a long sentence that describes my exasperation in some detail instead.
12.Letterman or Leno?
I'm not watching TV then, I'm sitting at the computer.
13.Scientologists: quietly creepy or totally wacko?
Both. And dangerous. They believe in intimidation and harassment for anyone remotely threatening to their scam.
14.Siegfried or Roy?
Oh, good heavens. I'm over in the next hotel trying to find out if Penn and Teller are in town. They're jerks too, but they're more interesting to watch.
15.What do you desire sexually that you're too embarrassed to ever request?
Oh, I generally request most of the things that are possible. The problem is, many of my more elaborate fantasies simply aren't possible in the real world, or even necessarily desirable. See question 1 for a big hint.
16.Maria Conchita Alonso or Rae Dawn Chong?
Suddenly I am inclined to go watch The Running Man and Commando back to back, but we just saw Total Recall this weekend and Arnold works better in limited doses.
They're both cute, but Maria is less of a doormat, so I'll take her. I dislike fainting heroines, unless they're me.
17.Gayest cartoon character: Mickey Mouse or Christopher Robin?
Mickey's a family man - it's Donald who's in the closet. Christopher Robin (who's a literary character, darn it) may not be gay per se, but he's going to break a lot of men's hearts when he grows up.
18.You're depressed: do you drink, cover your pain with humor, or take it out on the person closest to you?
Yes. And sometimes all of the above.
19.Favorite Sutherland: Kiefer or Donald?
There's a question here? Only one of them can act.
20.Favorite Corey: Haim, Feldman, or Hart?
Wait, wait - isn't one of those a singer? I'll take the singer. That way I don't have to actually look.
21.Mary-Kate or Ashley?
I keep hoping they'll grow into the Doublemint Twins one day.
22.Do you spend a lot of time surfing the Net because you're scared of people, or because people are scared of you?
I spend way too much time trying to sort that out. On the other hand, I barely spend any time surfing the net. Not anymore.
23.What do you sing instead of "pompatus of love" in Steve Miller's "The Joker"?
I'd sing the correct words ... if I could stand the song. I do say "really love your peaches, want to shake your tree" now and again, though. Long story.
24.Best bets in a "death pool" (pick 3): Andy Dick, Robert Downey Jr., Nell Carter, ex-Pogue Shane McGowan, Ronald Reagan, rock group Hanson, Salman Rushdie, Bob Hope, John Popper, Scott Weiland, Mr. T, golfer John Daly, or that girl from Blossom?
I'm no good at dead pools - I always tend to bet on the people I most want to keel over, rather than the hard data. Fortunately, with Reagan, Hope, and Popper, my dislikes and the actuarial tables seem to coincide fairly neatly.
25.It's 4pm, your husband calls from work to say he's bringing his boss over for dinner! What do you prepare?
Oh, goodness. Well, let me slip out of these high-heeled pumps which of course I wear even while I vacuum, and take off my frilly apron for a moment, so I can think. Dear me. He'd better buy me something nice, to make this up to me. I suppose I have just enough time to dash around to the store and buy some steaks. Men do like their meat, you know. And perhaps baked potatoes with all the toppings; that can be done in a hurry, and most of the preparation happens at the table. I can start those while I run to get the steaks. And I'll toss a green salad at the last minute. Wine? Hmm, no, we don't know what his boss would think. Perhaps I'll make some iced tea instead, and he can decide for himself whether to make cocktails before dinner or not.
Now, where did I put my keys? I'm so scatterbrained when my routine gets upset.
26.Is a dart board really such a bad wedding gift?
Yes.
27.Your ass or your elbow?
I tend to be ass-over-elbows so much, it's hard to tell them apart.
28.Favorite Wu-Tang Clansman?
Say, aren't they due to be killed in a street shootout or something?
29.Will Billy Idol ever make a successful comeback?
If Meat Loaf can, anything's possible.
30.Let's just say you're walking home drunk very late from a bar in Madison Wisconsin last week and you see a hundred dollar bill on the ground so you pick it up. A minute later, a very anxious-looking hippie comes by, searching all over the street for something, muttering about "not being able to pay rent." Are you like totally going to hell if you kept the money, planning to spend it at a titty bar in Vegas this weekend?
You might not go to hell. But your conscience will haunt you when you least expect it.
© Columbine
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