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Disappearances, death, and fear
Well, I found out what happened to Shmuel, after getting a mysterious message from someone else which said he was all right, but didn't say what had happened. Shmuel was in a bad car crash; he will recover, but it's going to be a while. In addition, his grandfather was killed and his mother is not in good shape. So send a few good thoughts in Shmuel's direction, eh? He could use them.
This goes back to that question of what happens when an Aether friend vanishes. I have another one right now - I haven't heard from Madame S in ages (very uncharacteristic for her) and I am gravely worried. But, you know, all I have is an email address. Is she choosing to not answer mail? Does she not have connectivity right now? Is she in the hospital? Is she busy? Is she dead?
Unlike some folks, I don't expect a reply to every little message I write. Some things, I feel, don't really call for much of a reply. But even I have a threshold of silence.
On the other hand, I don't hear from or write to my friend Arthur for months at a time, and yet I never worry that he's dead or anything like that. So maybe it's a question of which people I consider stable and which I don't - but I am not making any promises about how reliable my standards there are :)
The flip side of vanishing is when you vanish yourself. I have heard about other people who have made provisions to have someone post a notice or otherwise inform their Aether friends if something tragic happens to them. This does not strike me as a silly idea. In fact, I really should make some arrangements of my own.
As a rule, I avoid contemplating my own death. I will not go gentle into that good night. I'm going to go kicking and screaming. I want to be here as long as I possibly can.
On my scale of values, Alzheimer's Syndrome is the only thing worse than death. Losing my sight is third; then I couldn't read. Losing the use of my hands is fourth. Losing my sight, my hands, my imagination, or my reason would drive me to suicide; I wouldn't be able to stand life without them.
Then, way off in the distance, are the losses that hurt badly, but that I'd recover from eventually: fear of losing Nonelvis, fear of losing my possessions, and fear of looking stupid to others.
I have no other major fears that I know of.
I don't pride myself on fearlessness, mind you, but it occurs to me that there are only a handful of things that keep me awake at night, and they're all variations on one of the things above.
Even my recent trauma over the book is just a variation on the fear of looking stupid - since I put many types of personal failure in that category.
Cheerful stuff, eh? Don't blame me. The title should have tipped you off.
© Columbine
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Otherwise I feel very blank
upon this topic,
And think that though important,
and proper for anyone to bring up,
It is one that most people
should be prepared to be blank upon.
- William Empson
from "Ignorance of Death"
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