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Of gates and walks
tian: heaven, sky, day
an: peaceful, safe, secure
mén: door, gate
"I remember a meeting in 1988, where I also stood up to say my mind. I was really surprised when some people complimented my bravery afterwards. All I, a student of archives, demanded, was to record the voting, as documents are the best witnesses one can ask for. Only much later did I guess the message older people saw into my words.
"I said: 'Keep record of our actions, or we may not be able to prove our real aims and actions afterwards.' And it was not my fault that for some an accusation - 'human minds and bodies are much more fragile, easier to lose forever, than paper-based words' - sounded in those words.
"Ten years ago seems to be only yesterday too often nowadays."
- Aet
The papers are making much of Tian'anmén. I confess, my first reaction was not to remember. My first reaction was not to reflect. My first reaction was: My god, has it really been ten years?
Tian'anmén did not break my heart. I'm sorry to say it. I wasn't shocked, I wasn't hurt. I was angry. Angry at the stupidity of a lot of idealistic college kids. Angry because my first response then was: Well, what did they think would happen? Where did they think they were? What lies did they believe?
I am on the cusp. I am one generation too late to see Russia as The Big Enemy. Russia never looked like an enemy to me, just a broken-down colossus unable to sustain itself. By the time I reached my majority, the cracks in Russia's facade had long been evident to the world.
No, I was raised to see China as The Big Enemy. And although the propaganda didn't take root as well as my government would have liked, I was fed enough about their repressive politics that, even in 1989, even at the tender age of twenty-one, I would not have given those students a snowball's chance in hell.
A bunch of kids with big ideas, who thought they had some freedoms they never had, who believed they were living in a place where the right ideas would be allowed to escape. Call me a cynic if you like.
On the other hand ....
This weekend I walked five kilometers in the company of some 67,000 people. Sixty. Seven. Thousand. People. An enormous crowd, a crowd with a single purpose - raising money and showing solidarity.
And my cynicism doesn't matter. I don't care that several of the corporate names on my race t-shirt are the same people who are most responsible for the spread of breast cancer in this country, through the chemicals they pollute with. I don't care that some of them have no interest in stopping breast cancer whatsoever, since they are getting rich off drugs that treat it.
I don't care that the whole race was, ultimately, a futile, doomed gesture. That would not have stopped me from making it.
So I suppose I can't ridicule those Chinese students, those thousands of students for whom idealism proved a poor defense against mobile artillery. Yes, they were stupid not to realize that. And yes, I knew that even then.
But had I been there, I might well have been standing at the Gate of Heavenly Peace along with them.
I draw no lines with foolish principle - my money, my time, my life. If I am determined to be stupid, then I might as well be thorough about it.
© Columbine
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