Eccentric Flower:199904/not to be construed
From Eccentric Flower
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april twentieth not to be construed I made some changes to Heliotrope earlier today, and although I tested them pretty thoroughly with a mockup, I get nervous about posting a big long postcard unless I've tested it live. So here's the test. And, since it's a test, it's short. The real postcard will come later tonight, after I've had a nap. It's been a busy day. Several people asked me, via email, what was taking the F story so long (if you don't know what that means, don't worry about it). I vowed to write it, then and there ... but, alas, last night my brain just wouldn't focus and I ended up not doing any writing at all. Tonight I hope to do better. Be patient. I got some of that endlessly recirculated net.humor today. Usually the "humor" is only alleged; this one actually had some profound and funny bits. Here's the way it begins: Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '99: Don't drink white zinfandel. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, this would be it. The fact that drinking white zin causes individuals to earn irreversible reputations for bad taste has been proven by sociologists the world over. The rest of my advice, on the other hand, has no basis more reliable than chain e-mail sent to me when I really should have been working. I will dispense this advice to you now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your virility. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your virility until you're choking on Viagra like a frigging multi-vitamin. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at your sexual prowess and it'll hit you in a way that you can't grasp now how it's not so bad to come too early - and how fabulous it is to come at all. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation while reading Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses backwards while balancing a plate on your head. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday, when you decide to surprise your wife and come home from work early, and your best friend's Corvette is parked in the driveway. Unfortunately it descends into frat-boy humor (if I called it "straight white male humor," I'd get nasty email). For example, one of the pieces of advice contained in the message is simply "Fart," which is sophomoric, and another is "Live in Northern California once, but leave before you start wearing leather and hanging out with people named 'Bruce,'" which is homophobic. Or am I being thin-skinned? On the other hand, the advice "Do not read beauty magazines. Porn is much more fun." is probably intended to be funny in that unsubtle frat-boy way, but transcends that by being utterly true. I also don't like references to "virility" - I hate that word, which probably says something about my psychology, but I'm not sure what. It has overtones of forcible coercion to me that aren't anywhere in the word. See? I can find subtext in anything. Good thing I hate deconstructionism rabidly, or you'd have a lot more rubbish to wade through here. This postcard has been a test, and should not be construed to contain any content, actual or implied.
© columbine |
