Circular Cruises/Not Disposed To Mourn

Not Disposed To Mourn

16 June 1998

I have a recurring problem with death.

No, no, I don't mean that the way you think. What I mean is that, when friends of mine suffer a death in their family, my first instinct is to avoid them. This means they think I'm rude, cold, or insensitive, when the fact of the matter is, I'm probably avoiding the worse situation. If I were there, they'd think I was some kind of monster.

I don't mourn. I don't even grieve very well. I'm not that way. The person is dead and I won't be seeing them anymore and that's that. I'm not unsympathetic; I understand why other people grieve, but I don't.

In all fairness, the closest person to me who's ever died is my grandmother, and she died when I was quite young. I can't say with any certainty what I'll do when my mother dies. I may be sad for a short while, I may be sad for a long while, I may break into tears at the slightest provocation.

I do know for certain that I will not want to be consoled. I do not like being around other people when I am dealing with emotional hurts, and I don't like being comforted. (One of my few stereotypically male behavior patterns.) My usual method of dealing with emotional shocks is to go lock myself in the bedroom for a while. It seems to work well.

I have a problem with death, I say, and the problem is that I'm not very good at being comforting. I feel as if I'm expected to provide some sort of moral support that I'm not sure I ever learned how to give.

In some cases, the only support I'm being asked to give is my presence. They just want someone else around, so they can look and see that someone is there. I'm not sure what help that is, but so be it. I don't mind doing that - coming over to someone's house and sitting with them or standing vigil or something like that. The problem then is, since I'm not really given to mourning, I worry that my behavior is inappropriate - that I'm being too cheerful or too conversational. Then again, that may be exactly the kind of distraction that they want.

The problem is that people won't say what they want, even under the best of circumstances, and death is hardly the best of circumstances. They may want someone to tell them jokes, or they may want someone to sit around with a hangdog look, or they may want a shoulder to cry upon - but you'll never know for certain. You have to guess.

I hate doing that kind of guessing. Even under the best of circumstances.

I try to avoid the whole thing, presuming that to be safer. Then I hurt people's feelings by avoiding them in their presumed hour of need. One way or another, I'm going to end up hurting someone's feelings.

In my more cynical moments I wish that everyone dealt with their emotional hurts alone and in private - but that's an inadequate solution; sometimes bringing the hurt out into the open is the only way to get rid of it, whether crying at a funeral or having an argument with a lover.

I suppose the real issue is that with deaths, I feel I'm being asked to take an emotional stance in a situation which doesn't inspire that much emotion in me. They're dead. That's it. Pay the outrageous fees the undertaker is going to try to charge you because you're too emotional to think straight, and move on.

See, now I'm getting defensive and nasty. That won't help.

I have a problem with death.

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